It was not an easy journey to get to a place where I celebrate Sukkot with full peace and joy. It started out as a place of isolation and pain. What the people around me called celebrating felt like grief and heartache with all the raw wounds that I was carrying. Every year I pushed into Him searching for the joyous celebration that I thought it was supposed to be, and every year brought some level of pain and confusion. I wasn’t taught about keeping the feasts growing up, so I had no idea how much healing could come from stepping away from normal life to slow down and tabernacle with Him.

The first year, I was being targeted by a nasty high ranking narcissistic witch who chose not to fight for her healing. Probably the most jealous person I’ve ever encountered and certainly on assignment to teach people every legalistic thing that Sukkot is not supposed to be. The other people tried to make the best of it, but I was not impressed, nor did I understand what it was even supposed to be about because of the wickedness that oozed out of her pores. She chose to be on team Satan and eventually all the intimidation and manipulation that she thought she used as power cost her dearly. It wasn’t worth it then and it isn’t worth it now. I pray that one day she gets freedom.

The next year was only slightly better. By that time, even ‘shabbat shalom’ had become a trigger word and I was no longer interested in learning anything about the feasts. I did not believe that YHWH was showing up at a gathering that looked a lot more like a character assassination opportunity than a celebration. This is probably why I have lost so much tolerance for passive aggressive people. My gift of discernment is on point and if you are playing on the enemy’s team I’m going to know it. Survivors know. We didn’t ask to know, we just know. But I was not in a place in my healing where being alone felt comfortable. My parts were still SO needy, and they were desperate to go so we went. To my surprise, I was finding healing during Sukkot. Somehow, YHWH reached down deep, past the anger to bring moments of refreshing and deliverance.

That year, we went as a group to a Sukkot gathering at a campground where there were allegators in the river. I know that because of the beady glowing eyes going down the river at night. we set up our tents on the riverbank, and I was in a tent alone with an 8-year-old part up front. The water sprinkler came on, and she completely freaked out, sure that it was an allegator brushing up against her tent. The next morning, we found C sleeping in her van because an allegator did eventually roam through our campsite. With every year that passes, the story gets a little funnier. But YHWH showed up in the middle of my pain. The worship was amazing, and the celebrating got a little easier. Sometimes, you just have to make up your mind that you’re going to do something no matter how you feel and that is how Sukkot was for me. I’m so glad I did because I eventually made so many good memories.

We returned to the same Sukkot gathering the next year, but we stayed in a cabin with bunk beds, and it was so much better. But my system struggled. I had back parts getting called back home and all kinds of triggers happening out of nowhere. I learned more about a part I had named Navigation. Her job was to identify location markers and direct the system back home whenever necessary. The sky was so dark and the stars so bright, it truly was beautiful, but we found it to be so triggering. Navi found Yeshua at Sukkot and gave up her cult loyal job. I had multiple parts meet Him there, but Navi is the most memorable because she felt compelled to walk to the main highway late at night without telling anyone. One of the inexperienced ministry people on the trip with us came to get her, but she growled at her to “Go home!” so, the poor girl got in her car and went back to camp to get reinforcements. New people learning to work with us always end up with funny stories to tell.

Last year, we stayed closer to home with a very small gathering of just our inner circle at a cabin in the mountains. We needed to just rest in Him and celebrate His goodness from a physically restful place of not having to do all the things that go along with road trips. It was a good Sukkot that ended too soon, and the only sadness I remember feeling is that I missed sleeping with my sweet little dog. Every year I was noticing that I was more and more healed. I remember thinking that next year would be amazing because I was no longer living from that same place of grief. I was only partially right.

This is the first year that the grief comes from a surprisingly different place. A place where I now miss the fellowship because of the memories of friendship, love, prayer and worship that was shared. There is something to be said about being with a group of like-minded people with the goal of celebrating all that YHWH is. I honestly never thought that I would say that. In the beginning, my parts really didn’t want to be in a big group of people where they had to sit in the background and watch other people get attention. They had unmet needs, and all their focus was on when someone that cared about them might touch them in a healthy way. Perhaps their safe person’s hand would brush against theirs when they passed the food at dinner, or maybe she would want to hold their hand while she prayed for them. Maybe if she offered to change the trash then she would hand her a trash bag and pat her on the back for doing a good job. It really didn’t matter. Safe touch was our love language, and the thing that scared us the most. Any form of it was both a wave of terror and a warm fuzzy feeling we couldn’t create on our own all at the same time.

This year will be different. The physical touch will come from our new puppy, the fellowship from watching online, and the only place to eat our meals will be on the back deck… alone. While it’s true that I wish I didn’t have to celebrate the feast days alone, I have to wonder if a multiple can really ever be alone? I don’t feel lonely today. I welcome the alone time and embrace this opportunity to receive all that He wants to show me. I love my parts, and I am honored to try my best to meet our needs. This is evidenced by having so many parts integrated and a 12-year-old part’s pint of Brewster’s ice cream in my freezer. So, while not traditional, the heart of the matter is YHWH. The grieving does eventually end, and joy does come in the morning. I am so excited to have a week off to just be with Him. I love Him so much, and I can’t believe I get to live this life!