Recently, someone said something to me that hurt my feelings. Based on the information I had, it felt like I was being treated as though I had taken ten steps backward and the growth in my life wasn’t being honored. That wasn’t actually what was happening, but it was how I understood it at the time. Then the thoughts started coming. I didn’t matter. I wasn’t being respected. Why does this keep happening? I’m not going. I’m not participating. Forget it. You’re not going to put me in that position. My value is an area that has been under attack lately, so it took me a couple of weeks of being frustrated before I decided I must bring it into the light so that it could be dealt with. For years, I stuffed situations like this as far down as I could, and they would build one on top of the other until they took on a life of their own. It led to a lot of hard lessons and unhappy endings.

In this situation, it was mostly me feeling dismissed. I think that was the hardest part for me to acknowledge because it’s much easier to make every reaction about my parts or about someone else’s behavior. I let one comment (that was just giving logistical information in a general way) confirm to me that I knew everything that person was thinking, feeling, and believing. I’m bad to fall back into the belief that “actions speak louder than words,” but that is not always true. Actions don’t always show the intent of the heart. If I’m being honest, I had not asked any questions to know whether my understanding was even partially accurate. As soon as the question was asked and I felt the hurt, I pushed it outside my body and left it there. I made the decision, maybe even subconsciously, that I would rather not participate than feel the hurt. I didn’t ask for clarity or even allow myself to think of any questions to ask because that meant sitting with the hurt. Unfortunately, my reliable old pattern of behavior kicked in before I had time to consider if I wanted to do that. It all happened in a matter of one or two seconds, which makes it a frustrating behavior to overcome.

So, after I gave it more negative thought than it deserved, I finally chose to ask for clarity. I explained how their words had felt to me, and I asked them to help me understand why they had made the decision. This kind of twisting and division is what I associate with the leviathan spirit: hearing a message and receiving it very differently from how it was intended. Asking for truth felt like removing leviathan’s poison from a message that had become painful as I interpreted it. I’m so sick of the division that is constantly at work in survivor communities, and I didn’t want to contribute to it. That meant admitting I was hurt while also being willing to find out the truth. It’s a risk I don’t enjoy taking, but I have found it’s worth it because often I discover that the conclusion I reached was wrong.

When I got the explanation, it wasn’t anything like what I had made it out to be in my head. The additional information changed how I understood the situation, and my emotions changed with it. I ended up choosing to participate because I now had both sides of the story and could see it from a different perspective. Before that conversation, I had been ready to miss an opportunity over an assumption.

Afterward, I pointed it out to my parts. Okay, guys, look at what just happened. We thought this was what was happening, but when we asked for clarity and got all the information, we realized that what we thought was a fact was actually based on emotion, opinion, and assumption. The hurt was real, but we didn’t have an accurate understanding of what had caused it. Getting the facts changed what we believed about the situation, and that changed how we felt.

This is where I have to be honest about rebellion in my own life. I don’t carry a heart posture of rebellion, but sometimes the layers I’ve had to work through makes it difficult to see beyond what feels threatening in the moment. When I already believe someone is dismissing me, I tend to interpret everything else through that belief. I must be willing to ask questions and let what I learn challenge the conclusion I have reached if I want to mature.

another layer to this is that my parts have their own feelings about what is happening. Sometimes, I’m experiencing more than a reminder of what rejection feels like. I may have young parts at different ages who are watching from inside to see whether things are really safe. When a part hasn’t received their own healing yet, they experience what is happening through the lens of being stuck in trauma time. For them, it feels like what happened back then is still happening today. What I understand as an adult is not always what they understand, and I have to recognize when their feelings are bleeding through to me. I can’t afford to let old emotions distort today’s reality.

For me, one of the biggest signs is an immediate feeling of threat or anger over something minor. When a protector part comes up, that is another indication that something is touching a deep, unhealed wound and making my system feel unsafe. The hurt and fearful parts need my care, and I don’t want to shame them for reacting to something they don’t yet understand. It’s also letting me know that I don’t trust myself to handle this pain, and I need to address that before making decisions I will regret later.

Once I fact-checked what was actually happening and determined that we were safe, I explained that to them. But words alone don’t always stop the fear my body is experiencing. Sometimes I need to do something tangible to help myself settle, like humming or box breathing. Doing something physical helps me feel more present and signals to my body that it is safe to relax.

For me, this works best when I talk the triggered parts through it as something I am doing for them. I want them to understand that I am paying attention, that I care about how frightened they feel, and that I am willing to take the time to help them feel comforted. That is part of how I build trust with them. We need to respond to their distress with care instead of becoming frustrated that they are having feelings we don’t want to deal with.

As we settle, it feels like my brain starts coming back online. I begin processing from a more grounded place inside my body instead of feeling pulled toward dissociation. Then I am better able to consider what was said, what I actually know, and what I’m assuming based on our emotions. Sometimes, getting clarity changes how I feel right away, as it did in this recent situation. Other times, I need to spend more time helping the parts who are still afraid. The same thing is true when we don’t get our way, and something is actually wrong. We still need to help them process it so that it doesn’t turn into bitterness or unforgiveness.

I’m not saying to go into something blind or disregard what feels wrong. Sometimes, even after I understand someone’s perspective, I still don’t agree. I see a blind spot or an area where I believe they need to grow. But I have to examine my own response too. Is what they are asking harmful? Does it go against what I understand God to be asking of me? Or is it simply different from what I want and how I would do it? My preference does not determine whether someone else’s decision is wrong.

I see stuff all the time that I would do differently, and from my perspective and education, some of those things should change. But last I checked, God did not give me that assignment, so I try every day to walk a little more in my lane and let other people walk in theirs. That doesn’t mean I don’t pray that God will show them, because I do… often. My heart hurts when I see decisions that I believe will have painful consequences. I struggle with this because I want to assert my will and fix it instead of getting out of God’s way so that He can work. On the days when I let something go and rest in Him, I see growth. On the days when I want to pitch a fit because I’m not getting my way, nothing about the situation really changes. I’m just making myself miserable.

When I believe God has placed someone in a position of authority in my life, I need to go back to Him and ask, “Is this something You want me to do?” Healthy authority allows for the hard conversations and for me to make my own final decision. More often than I would like to admit, there are times when I have enough information to know that something is not harmful or wrong, and I still don’t want to do it because it isn’t my preference or it triggers something unhealed in me. That is where I have to decide whether I am willing to let God stretch me.

The authority figures I grew up with were not safe. Authority became connected to control, and losing control meant I wasn’t safe. If I decide how something should happen, I feel more prepared for it. Having someone else make a decision means facing uncertainty, and uncertainty feels dangerous. Understanding my reactions help me recognize how insisting on having everything my way limits my growth and sabotages opportunities I actually want. That isn’t conducive to building a new wineskin and becoming mature enough to go where God wants to take me next.

So, today, we get to make better choices, and we get to be a work in progress. I don’t want to get stuck in pride and rebellion. The Bible compares rebellion to witchcraft, and I’ve been praying for a deeper revelation of how that applies to me. I wasn’t always able to see past the emotions that flooded me, especially when the pain was rooted in attachment wounds. Sometimes, my growth comes through surrendering my preference and being willing to watch, listen, and learn as someone else applies the wisdom He has given them. I’ve also realized that this is usually when I learn the most.

At the end of the day, I’m responsible for bringing my own response before God and being willing to listen. I can pray for that person’s eyes to be opened to truth, but in that same prayer, I always try to ask God to remove the log from my own eye. I’ve seen so many times in hindsight that my understanding of a situation changed as I healed and learned more about what was actually happening. There isn’t much in my life today that I see the same way I saw it a year or two ago, which tells me we are continuing to peel back layers and gaining a better understanding of His truth.

I see growth in my willingness to ask honest questions, knowing the answers might be things I don’t want to hear. It’s okay to have a voice in a relationship and also accept a decision that would not have been my first choice. I’m also noticing spiritual maturity in how I respond to the losses I’ve experienced when making hard decisions because they are right, even when they are not the decisions my flesh wants to make. Sometimes, I have to swallow my pride and surrender my will, but I am willing to do whatever Jesus asks me to do because I love Him more than I want to be right.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.” — Psalm 139:23–24