When a survivor heals, they almost always have a heart to see others heal. They know what it feels like to be desperate for help and not be able to find answers. Clawing their way past the many roadblocks of healing from SRA equips them with an open-mindedness to out of the box modalities and a tenacity to fight against the grain of tradition to find real solutions. Desperation births hope that there must be an answer because life cannot continue in the crippling pain and utter darkness that nobody seems to see.

There comes a moment when the ache demands a way out. I had a part deep inside of me, a quiet miracle that refused to die. She wore the words ‘you’re Satan’s spawn! I hate you, I wish you would die and go to hell’ like armor, heavy and cold, forged from someone else’s cruelty. Yet, she knew life wasn’t meant to hurt this much, that she must have been created for something more, something better, and she did not stop until she found it.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 20:11

The way out of the darkness often felt more unbearable than the original trauma. It required so much more than I thought I could give. The loneliness at times was all consuming and I thought it would completely rip me to shreds. I honestly don’t know if I would have survived it if I did not have my relationship with the Lord to sustain me. The only way out was through Him and that is the only answer I have to offer others.

I know what it feels like to be desperate to have someone else storm the gates of hell on my behalf to try and pull me out of the pit. I know the feeling of needing someone…anyone to pray for me because their prayers could reach places that mine would not. I know the burning ache of desperation to be seen and heard and the crushing blow of footsteps walking away because I was too much. I lived there for far too long. I set up camp and dug my heels into the ground determined to make my way work because it was the only hope I could see of getting better.

I logically understood that the people offering me help had a life outside of ministry, and I was so grateful for any time that they spent with me, but it was barely enough to be a band aid for my broken heart and the time apart was so painful for my littles. It was very difficult to balance sharing my safe person with her family while I still needed my secure base to be available to me at all times. And God forbid they went out of town because my ability to cope went with them. This is why I am such an advocate for making Yeshua our secure base then everyone else that comes along and loves us is a bonus. We don’t get devastated anymore when we don’t talk to someone we love for an extended period of time, but geez, was it a long painful road to get to this place.

I was operating from a disorganized attachment style and so many of my parts were still trying to fill the void left by not having the attachment milestones we needed met in early childhood. I had some infant parts that never learned that if someone left our sight, they still existed and would be back again. I never understood as a toddler that I could be loved from another room, much less from the house across town. How could I be when I wasn’t there to do whatever it was that they required of me? I never learned eye contact, to be curious, or what safe touch felt like. I never learned how to play without being scared, to work independently, or that my achievements were worth celebrating.

I have had therapists, friends, and people who tried to support me on my healing journey that were not equipped, and it never worked. I was very good at manipulating them to get my needs met and it worked for a season then I would burn them out. I didn’t know that’s what I was doing. I was just operating out of a desperation to make the pain stop. But then I had some people that Yahweh sent into my life that helped me tremendously by walking alongside me while holding their boundaries. They weren’t moved by emotion or theatrics but followed what they knew to be truth. They stood in obedience to Christ and let the Holy Spirit guide their walk with us. They were kind enough to be firm when needed and to speak the truth in love all while giving me space to have emotional meltdowns and sort things out. They had the wisdom to always point me to Yeshua even when it made me angry and the maturity to guard their heart because hurting people hurt people. They don’t mean to hurt them, but you can only give away what you have and at that time, all I had was a lifetime of hurt.

Have confidence in your leaders and submit to their authority, because they keep watch over you as those who must give an account. Do this so that their work will be a joy, not a burden, for that would be of no benefit to you. Hebrews 13:17

The Lord highlighted Hebrews 13:17 to me during that time and it completely changed my life in that season. When I started asking what I could do to walk out this verse, things really shifted for me.

I had to learn to take responsibility for my healing. I would get so angry when people would tell me that this was my journey to walk. I had already walked through hell; I didn’t want to go through anything else. I was tired and I really didn’t want to pray all the prayers and talk to my parts and tell them they are safe now and all the things over and over and over again. I wasn’t ready to pay the price. My therapist setting boundaries with me saved my life. I took that anger and frustration and all the pain from the abandonment wounds that it brought flooding back and I built a new foundation. I poured all that emotion into doing what I had seen them doing. I figured if I wanted what they had, I needed to do what they did. So, I sought the Lord for myself. I started taking my parts to sit and talk with Yeshua at home. I started adding self-care routines into my life. I bought my littles dolls to play with and took them to the park. I invested in myself. I shifted from waiting to see what my therapist did next to fix me to telling her what I had done since last seeing her. I kept a journal and wrote everyday about what I did to advance my healing. I did all the things. I no longer argued and pushed back when she gave me homework that could move me forward. I just did it.

I had to learn how to be in relationships and that it was okay that both sides had needs. I had to learn the difference between enmeshment and two healthy people doing life together. I had to learn how to celebrate others when things were still hard for me and how to be thankful that I had people who didn’t always get it right but tried. I eventually learned that there is no Leave it to Beaver family who always moves from conflict to resolution and restoration in 30 minutes flat.

Life is hard. Relationships are hard. Having DID is hard. Healing is hard. But when we partner with Yeshua and get out of our own way, when we finally surrender control and come out of the occult and change sides, everything changes. Healing starts to happen and when we start to lose everything and one attack after another happens, we now have a battle plan. We have a source of hope. We can trust that His Word is true and we can finally take a deep breath, a sign of relief that we are no longer alone. We are loved extravagantly, and we finally find our forever family in Him.

I find myself on the other side of the neediness that I thought would consume me and most days I feel loved without needing to look for the evidence. It’s just in me now, it’s a surety that nobody can take from me and that gives me purpose. It equips me to love others. I finally understand what it means when someone has just met you and they say they love you. I never understood that, and it used to drive me nuts. But today, I get it. It’s like the love of the Lord for people just shows up in my life out of nowhere. He has given me His heart for people and I’m learning just how weighty a gift that can be.

In Matthew 10, Jesus sent His disciples out to minister two by two. It’s a good model, and I learn every day that there was a multitude of reasons behind this wisdom. He instructed them to freely give what they had received. That’s the standard that I try to live my life by. How can I give anyone something that I don’t have? I don’t have all the answers, and I don’t always know what to do next. But I know what worked for me, what helped me to build a relationship with Christ that would sustain me in the really dark times. I know His voice, and I know from experience that obedience is better than sacrifice. I cannot give away what I don’t have myself, and I try not to choose what is easiest on my heart if it goes against what I believe Yeshua is showing me. I’m a work in progress, but He is my first love, and I am always striving to put Him first.

Still, I know how much boundaries hurt early in healing. I know how it feels to desperately want a 24/7 lifeline that is a real person and to not have to be dependent on my faith in something I cannot see. In my early healing I could not grasp why I was always pushed off onto Yeshua. I thought it was so cruel sometimes, nobody understood that I needed more than that. It was not enough for me. My faith wasn’t fixing anything.

But then I chose Him. I really chose Him, and I started seeking Him as if my life depended on it because it did. And now I am one of those annoying people that counted the cost and understands the only way out is Him. I cannot be anyone’s savior. I cannot heal anyone. I can only keep showing up and pointing them to Him. They have free will and get to choose if they want what I am freely offering to them, and I so desperately hope that they do.

In this process, I’ve learned that on this side of healing boundaries are still needed. My feelings still matter. I don’t deserve to be accused, manipulated, disrespected or to have my words twisted and used against me. I am learning to love people while knowing that Yeshua must be their secure base. I cannot be that for them. I have to take care of myself, my system and my family. I have to maintain order, and I have to rest so that I am not pouring from an empty cup. I appreciated what others did for me, and I’m learning that keeping company with those who appreciate you is not only okay, but it’s healthy. I’m finding that to honor my own boundaries creates safety and enables me to operate from a place of empathy and compassion.

We all have to accept where we are on this journey and face the truth of what that means for us. I’m not sure if it ever gets easier, I think it just gets different. Better? Yes. Easier? That has not been my experience. Worth it? Absolutely.

I wish I could instantly impart everything I’ve learned on this journey to the survivors just starting out. I know what will be required of them will not be easy. On the hardest days where being in ministry makes my heart ache for those that I wish I could rescue I remind myself that He loves them more than I ever could.

Healing is worth it. Surrendering control is worth it. It is so scary to finally get out of our own way so He can work on our behalf, but trusting Yeshua is so worth it. I love Him so much, and I can’t believe I get to live this life!