I’m not sure there’s such a thing as internal chaos until we truly start to heal. There may be chaos on the outside with life spinning in every direction, but inside, unless your programming has begun to break down, everything feels ordered and “normal.” That’s because the chaos and turmoil we experience on the outside come from a well-oiled, methodically crafted internal system working exactly as it was designed to. It’s familiar, it feels safe, and it keeps the illusion of control until healing begins to interrupt it.

You don’t know that you have back parts doing things without your awareness because that’s how your system was built. You don’t know you’re losing time because your system is designed so you won’t notice. It fills in the blanks seamlessly, allowing you to live for years without ever realizing you’ve been “gone.” Your system is set up to not miss a beat. You might find a red sweater in the back of your closet and assume you must have bought it. Chalking it up to forgetfulness or not even noticing at all is exactly what your system is supposed to do. But that’s exactly how the system keeps itself hidden.

Those sleepless nights, mood swings, and lost car keys or how you absolutely love crispy fried chicken one day and get triggered by it the next can all be caused by parts doing their job. If “I don’t know” is your most common answer to any question you get asked, there’s probably a reason for that.

Parts are not random. They are engineered. Each one is designed with specific gifts, functions, and roles. Within a system, some parts may believe they’re the only one in the body, completely unaware of the others because of amnesic walls. Others work together as councils or day teams to manage your life and maintain stability. Some parts will never come to the front, yet they are active behind the scenes keeping your system running smoothly and, in many cases, maintaining cult loyalty without your conscious knowledge. Regardless of their role, every part shares one goal: protecting the system. They do it in harmful ways until we help them understand the truth, but in their minds, they’re keeping you safe.

When a part fears abandonment, they might sabotage relationships to make sure they’re the one who leaves first. When a part senses danger, they might create chaos to prevent vulnerability. When a part thinks control equals safety, they’ll micromanage every decision until you’re exhausted. It took me a long time to realize that some of my most painful life patterns were actually protective strategies rooted in programming. I had to sit in the ache of those realizations: What if they do leave? What if I’m alone again? Can I really trust anyone? Is the world even safe? And I had to choose again and again to do something different than what my system was built to do.

Some of your parts will act in ways that shock you. Things you know you’d never willingly do may happen when a back part is presenting. There’s no condemnation in that, it’s simply reality. But there is accountability. If a back part commits a crime or lashes out, your whole body experiences the consequences. The same is true in relationships. A part’s reactionary behavior can destroy friendships, jobs, and trust, and it’s you who has to pick up the pieces when they retreat inside. That’s why it’s vital to work with your parts, especially the cult loyal or angry ones. Until the root is addressed, the cycle of damage and regret will repeat.

Parts are programmed to keep you stuck, to sabotage progress, to maintain dependency, to keep you connected to the occult structures that control you. You can’t heal by accident, through avoidance, or by waiting for it to fix itself. Healing comes through intentional partnership with Yeshua moment by moment, choice by choice. This is not work for the faint of heart or for the “maybe tomorrow” crowd. Healing requires full investment, relentless prayer, and radical honesty.

I now ask Yeshua’s permission for almost everything such as when to go to the park, when to call someone, where to buy gas, what food is safe for me to eat. I know how strange that sounds, but in the world I live in, it’s how I stay safe. It’s not burdensome because it’s about relationship. It’s an ongoing conversation with my best friend, where trust keeps me safe. Healing used to feel hopeless. Now, it feels like an unfolding relationship. The more I invite Him to teach me about my system, the less I fear it. And even when the truth hurts, I can feel His love softening the blows of truth.

One day we will all stand before Yahweh and be held accountable if we do not heal and show these parts there is another way. That breaks my heart, and I desperately want to make sure they all hear and understand the truth.

I’m in a new season of discovering even deeper layers of my system. I wouldn’t survive this stage if I hadn’t built a foundation of daily intimacy with Yeshua. I don’t know what tomorrow brings. I don’t know what the cost will be. But I know one thing with absolute certainty: no matter what happens, I still choose Yeshua. I go to the courts of Heaven daily to petition for mercy and miracles. My heart is shattered in ways I never thought possible, yet somehow, I still find myself saying, “I can’t believe I get to live this life.” I think that’s the paradox of redemption: the deeper the pain, the greater the awe of His love and presence.

Tonight, I am clinging to James chapter 3 because I cannot afford to speak anything into this situation except life.

James 3 – The Passion Translation

The Power of Your Words

¹ My dear brothers and sisters, don’t be so eager to become a teacher in the church since you know that we who teach are held to a higher standard of judgment.

² We all fail in many areas, but especially with our words. Yet if we’re able to bridle the words we say we are powerful enough to control ourselves in every way, and that means our character is mature and fully developed.

³ Horses have bits and bridles in their mouths so that we can control and guide their large body.

⁴ And the same with mighty ships, though they are massive and driven by fierce winds, yet they are steered by a tiny rudder at the direction of the person at the helm.

⁵ And so the tongue is a small part of the body yet it carries great power! Just think of how a small flame can set a huge forest ablaze. 

⁶ And the tongue is a fire! It can be compared to the sum total of wickedness and is the most dangerous part of our human body. It corrupts the entire body and is a hellish flame! It releases a fire that can burn throughout the course of human existence. 

⁷ For every wild animal on earth including birds, creeping reptiles, and creatures of the sea and land have all been overpowered and tamed by humans, 

⁸ but the tongue is not able to be tamed. It’s a fickle, unrestrained evil that spews out words full of toxic poison!

⁹ We use our tongue to praise God our Father and then turn around and curse a person who was made in his very image! 

¹⁰ Out of the same mouth we pour out words of praise one minute and curses the next. My brothers and sisters, this should never be!

^11-12 Would you look for olives hanging on a fig tree or go to pick figs from a grapevine? Is it possible that fresh and bitter water can flow out of the same spring? So neither can a bitter spring produce fresh water. 

Wisdom from Above

¹³ If you consider yourself to be wise and one who understands the ways of God, advertise it with a beautiful, fruitful life guided by wisdom’s gentleness. Never brag or boast about what you’ve done and you’ll prove that you’re truly wise. 

¹⁴ But if there is bitter jealousy or competition hiding in your heart, then don’t deny it and try to compensate for it by boasting and being phony.

¹⁵ For that has nothing to do with God’s heavenly wisdom but can best be described as the wisdom of this world, both selfish and devilish. 

¹⁶ So wherever jealousy and selfishness are uncovered, you will also find many troubles and every kind of meanness. 

¹⁷ But the wisdom from above is always pure, filled with peace, considerate and teachable. It is filled with love and never displays prejudice or hypocrisy in any form 

¹⁸ and it always bears the beautiful harvest of righteousness! Good seeds of wisdom’s fruit will be planted with peaceful acts by those who cherish making peace.