Learning to discern truth, trust His voice, and follow His timing in the middle of healing.

I haven’t had time to write, but I’ve learned so much over the past couple of months. The more I learn about the spirit realm, the more I just want to stay hidden under Yahweh’s wing. I keep asking questions because I want Him to show me truth. I need Him to confirm the things others have said that they saw or heard on my behalf.

As I’ve pulled back and all but isolated myself for a season of deeply seeking His face and asking Him to do whatever He wants to do, on His timeline, in whatever way He wants – I’ve found a fresh stream of living water to drink from.

I’ve learned that my system does not do well with others telling me what they see if Yahweh doesn’t confirm it. It becomes destabilizing because I have no way to know if it’s true, and it comes layered with fear so all of my littles start to believe that Yeshua cannot keep them safe.

I’m learning that I need my information to come from Yahweh. That is the only way I can process it with surety.

We all see through the glass dimly, and I have always believed that when someone shares something with you from the Lord, it should be confirming what He has already said.

So, when it doesn’t, and when Yahweh doesn’t confirm it, I get very confused.

However, I do know that I cannot trust my programming, so I continue to take everything back to Him. I continue to ask myself daily, “Is this something the cult would want me to do or is this going to bring me closer to Yeshua?”

Right now, I’m searching things out.

Is it programming that has taught me that a word from the Lord should be confirmation of something He is already showing me? Is it a false church doctrine I’ve picked up? Or is it actual truth?

The only thing I can say for sure right now is that I don’t know the answer.

It’s hard to sort out truth when you’ve been lied to your whole life. But Yahweh has been showing me so much about my system, how programming works, and the far-reaching distance and ability of a witch’s web.

We don’t know what we don’t know.

I’m fortunate to be around survivors in all different stages of their healing. They are constantly teaching me new things and reminding me of the hard lessons that I never want to forget.

As I find myself knee-deep in starting to understand not only what has happened to my family, but the role I played in it, I find a grace that I don’t have words to describe.

When Yahweh reveals things to me, it comes wrapped in love, in compassion, and in understanding. It can be worse than I ever imagined possible, and yet somehow, I can receive it from Him as a gift of hope.

It’s like another key to unlock a door that He has prepared me to walk through.

I think this is why it is so important not to get ahead of Him and not to lag behind.

As He reveals more and more truth, I feel some of my parts trying to throw up every roadblock they have. I see multiple areas where spiritual warfare is amping up as the cult tries to stop the progression of what Yahweh is revealing.

It’s heart breaking when they go after the people you love because you aren’t giving in to their threats and double binds. But Yahweh is bigger and I have to trust that He has a plan, that there is a reason, a lesson to be learned by Him allowing it.

I also see where He has been so faithful, again and again, to raise up a standard against what they are sending.

I see Him take it and use it to advance my healing, to bring hidden things to light and expose what it’s time to deal with.

I’m learning just how much my child’s life is directly affected by both my amnesic walls and my healing. As I continue to undo things in the spirit realm, I praise Yahweh for the generational threads that are starting to unravel. I see lightbulb moments where there was once denial.

So, I continue to push forward, to step into the darkest part of what I know could be true and allow Yeshua to hold my hand and walk me through it.

When stepping into the great unknown, the abyss I’ve tried so hard to avoid, there is a Holy Spirit boldness to walk on those waters, to not take my eyes off of Yeshua, and to trust that if I drown, I’ll be with Him in paradise.

I’m learning that I can be in alignment with Him, be the minister in my family and within my system, all while fighting the battle of living with a programmed multiple who has been trained to be my handler. I’m so thankful that He promises to use all things for my good.

It was hidden from me for years. I literally had no idea. Waking up to this truth has changed my theology. Truth is not what the church taught me it was.

But I see it in so many ways now.

I find my heart torn between wanting to continue to write and teach all the things I’ve learned and wanting to pause and breathe in His goodness as He moves me closer to freedom.

It’s by far the hardest part of the healing journey for me so far. Yet, it’s also the most exciting because it shows me just how far I’ve come to be ready to face it.

And the peace of God [that peace which reassures the heart, that peace] which transcends all understanding, [that peace which] stands guard over your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus [is yours]. Phillippians 4:7

It’s new territory having to decipher what my parts are actually doing and seeing, while also trying to separate second heaven information that may be true, but not necessarily meant for my ears.

It gets very confusing.

I feel like a ping pong ball in a tournament between sumo wrestlers who are picking up a paddle for the first time.

Nothing fits. Nothing makes sense.

And yet, at the same time, all the pieces are falling into place in ways they haven’t until now.

So much of what a survivor told me early in my healing is coming to pass. I understand the things that were over my head when she first said them, and I’m so very thankful for all that she taught me. G, if you ever see this, thank you so much for pouring into my life.

Maybe denial programming doesn’t ever go completely away in this lifetime. Perhaps it resurfaces, differently, but still quietly there even after you’ve worked for years on your healing. Sometimes, I think it hides out behind the door of each new level that Yahweh asks me to trust Him with. It feels like every time I gain a new deep level of understanding that I recognize as the next layer being peeled away, denial is there screaming, “Hey, remember me? I’m still here, what are you doing??? Get back here into this denial right this instant!”

And sometimes I do go shake his hand, other times, I might even have coffee with him, but I’ve learned to recognize him, to question the integrity of his commentary pretty quickly and I’m thankful for that growth.

No matter what, Yahweh is faithful. I love Him so much, and I’m so thankful that I get to live this life!