The thing about kids is that you never know what they are going to say next, and I certainly wasn’t expecting to be schooled on this level by an 8-year-old, but here we are. I know 2 of my 8-year-old parts pretty well and they’ve shared a lot of things about my system, but not everything. They carry the weight of how I will respond, the guilt of my pain, and the fear that it will cost us too much if I remember. So, they only tell part of the story…the pieces they know I can handle without completely falling apart. I’ve known this on some level for a long time, but after hearing a firsthand account from an 8-year-old part of another survivor’s system, I am taking measures to be more proactive in spending quality time with my parts.

I sometimes forget how bad the flashbacks and nightmares can be and for that I apologize to them. They hold the darkest and hardest memories safely out of my reach, a system preservation of sorts. But that act of kindness only makes it heavier for them. No child should be riddled with the decision to tell or not to tell, especially when their job has been to protect parts of themself from the truth.

They go through the agonizing process of knowing that they need to tell because the adult part needs to know so they can heal but also know that it is going to utterly break their heart.

When a child part wakes up in the middle of the night remembering the torture and can’t get the noise of the machines out of their head or their racing heartbeat to slow down, what are they supposed to do? The body is attempting to sleep, but it tosses and turns as the dialogue inside is screaming ‘I need to get out of here! Help me, they are coming, someone help!’ Then silence as the torture begins.

The adult part already knows so much, but there is still much that needs to be told. It’s time to share another memory with them, but when they remember how sad the adult part sometimes looks over everything that has happened, their little heart breaks all over again at the thought of bringing them more pain.

It’s a constant inner turmoil.

Do I share? Don’t I share?

When? How? I don’t know what to do.

How will she cope? Will anyone be there for the adult part when the pain hits home and all the emotion the child part feels floods into her? It’s so painful to watch from inside. Why does healing have to hurt so much? She knows that Yeshua will hold her hand, but she longs for someone to come alongside her adult part, someone that could make her a giant chocolate cake, someone that could wipe away her tears and be there for her.

Shall she release the next memory to her? Is she being kind or torturing her? It’s all so confusing. She knows that she needs to remember in order to heal, but this little part has carried this pain all her life and knows how much it will hurt the adult part to release it to her.

2:00 AM and she is torn, her stomach feels sick as she breaks out in a sweat over a decision she should never have to make. The memories won’t stop, and she feels trapped as panic sets in. The little ones beside her are waking up now, sensing her tears and feeling afraid for her. Her distress is palpable, causing more parts to awake to keep her safe. Her protectors come to make sure that all is well.

The body is wide awake now and the adult part goes into prayer. She does not feel good and knows that someone inside is not doing well. Knowing she is tired, all the child parts stay quiet, unsure what to do.

To speak or not to speak?

The turmoil inside is too much, causing vomiting and panic attacks and the 8-year-old feels like it’s all her fault. She runs sobbing to the arms of Yeshua, and He tells her everything is going to be alright, she can trust Him. She lays in His arms until she finally falls asleep leaving her unanswered question of what to do for another agonizing day.

Child parts take on a lot of responsibility that adults rarely see. They hurt deeply trying to protect the system and not hurt the adult part they care so much about. Sometimes no matter how bad it feels, they can’t hold it in anymore. It’s very heartbreaking for them to watch the reaction when the memories flood into the adult part. So. Very. Sad.

But because they have Yeshua, they know that in the pain will come redemption.

I don’t ever want my parts to worry about me, but I know they do. I don’t want the very parts that never got to play or be a kid at all to now carry such heavy burdens to protect me. We can do this together. We can tolerate the pain of remembering today because we know the Healer. We no longer need to wait for someone to come sit with us and wipe our tears. Not that many survivors don’t long for that, because we do, but I know that we will be waiting for eternity if we go that route. Today, we can do our own parts work. We can get to know our system and be the adult that hugs the child parts as they hurt. We can be the ones that help them process the memory together with Yeshua. Healing is available. Redemption is one decision away. If we just choose Yeshua.

I can’t image trying to walk out this healing journey without Him. We love Him so much!