Fear drives denial. There are moments on the healing journey when a memory surfaces, and almost instantly something inside begins to push it away. Suddenly you feel confusion, resistance, or an inner “No, that didn’t happen.” Coming out of denial is terrifying because it can feel like you will be out of control, go crazy or even kill someone if you allow the truth to surface.

Conditioning the child for denial programming often begins in infancy or even in the womb. Infants are abused and tortured, usually by their primary caretakers, and then everyone carries on as if nothing happened. A toddler may try to talk about being hurt, only to be told it was just a bad dream. A preschooler may be accused of lying or making up horrifying stories no one will ever believe. A child who keeps hearing that it’s “just your imagination” will cling to that explanation because it makes the pain feel less real. From the very beginning, confusion and denial are layered in so deeply that the child learns to believe none of it actually happened.

Denial is extensive, and it is a part of formal training as soon as a child enters programming. After a split occurs and a new part is created through programming, not formed naturally, then the part is immediately tested to see whether it will tell.

In formal programming, a fully programmed part is usually taken to an interrogation room, often with a bright light overhead, resembling the setup used when a criminal is questioned. The child is pressured and coerced in countless ways to see whether they will talk or follow their training and deny. If the child talks, a severe beating follows, and the process starts again. This continues until the child becomes so terrified that they deny instantly, no matter what is done to them or how intense the pressure becomes.

From there, programmers often create specific parts whose very names are Denial or something similar. They are created to monitor the system and step in any time the body becomes “unsafe” meaning any time someone starts thinking about telling. These parts can flood the body with denial and insist, “That didn’t happen,” “You don’t remember,” or “It’s all made up.” They can also be trained to punish other parts or the body itself for speaking.

For these parts, denial was safety. Denial was loyalty. Denial was survival. If a system starts to breakdown and memories bleed through, the denial alters will also provide a plausible excuse or cover story. Denial alters are very invested in doing their job because they don’t want to be punished and because they believe the survivor’s life depends on it.

But denial keeps a survivor spinning in place for years, going nowhere. It harms the system, exhausts everyone, and prevents true progress. One of the first steps for dealing with denial is identifying and breaking the vows they made to not remember. Many parts in the system have made these vows. Even the Christian host, while a true believer, is often heavily programmed and may have taken vows of amnesia which keeps the denial in place. A common vow is to “remember to forget and forget to remember.” Survivors need to break the vows and give Yeshua permission to prepare them to remember and to help them accept the memories they get and to believe their parts when their parts share memories with them.

Survivors have to make the conscious decision not to give in to denial or keep repeating the programmed phrases like “I don’t remember” or “I don’t know.” They need to recognize that they can remember, they can receive help, and they can call on Yeshua. Real healing begins when denial is set aside and the survivor starts talking to their parts about getting out, getting free, and refusing to serve the dark side by believing the lie that Yahweh doesn’t love them. Denial begins to break the moment you decide that it’s time to come out.

When working with denial, it’s crucial to identify the fear driving it. Logic alone can’t break denial because it’s rooted in fear and reinforced through torment and double binds. Denial alters may even reveal that they must do their job or else suicide programming will activate, or someone they love will be harmed. Giving them space to vent and express all the fears and possibilities they’re holding allows those beliefs to be sorted through, exposing the lies that the denial programming was built upon.

Once a survivor does make progress and starts to come out of denial, they will go through a deep grieving process. Nobody can truly prepare you for the weight of that grief, but Yeshua can help you manage it and move through it with His mercy and grace. This is where the helpers sometimes get tripped up because the grieving can last a long time depending on the amount of trauma. The grieving process needs as much time as it needs to move through the different stages of grief and truly move the stored trauma out of the body. Grief can look like not much progress is being made if the helper doesn’t understand the power and necessity of grieving. Survivors will need a lot of support during this process.

Young parts in the system will need the support of the host/presenter part and others who have had healing in the system. They will need to be comforted just like you would comfort a child in the outside world. You can offer to cuddle with them, rock them, or just sit with them. Let them take a bubble bath or have a treat to eat while you listen to whatever they want to tell you. Reassure them that the body is grown up now and making new choices to keep them safe. Let them know that you want to get to know them, learn what they like and don’t like, what scares them, but also what brings joy? Maybe they would like a new stuffed animal or to be read to before bed if they never got to experience that as a child. Reparenting the different parts of yourself is a big part of healing and simple things like going to the park, coloring a picture, or playing with a pet can be very helpful. Get to know them and give them reasons to trust you. This will help break the denial programming if they see that you keep your word to them. Try your best not to make promises that you can’t keep because it feels like rejection and abandonment all over again for them. Show them compassion, that they are important, and that you are a safe person for them. Finally, hold yourself accountable and actually become that safe person you always needed but never had.