Grief during the holidays is the hardest of all, and for many survivors, it can hit with a force that feels impossible to explain. Everywhere you look, there are decorations, lights, and cheerful reminders of a season that the world calls joyful. You just want to buy groceries, and suddenly you’re surrounded by garland, ornaments, and a crowd buying for their big holiday dinners. Love seems to be everywhere except where you’re standing. You feel alone, unseen, and somehow invisible in the middle of a crowded world celebrating something you can’t access. And then there’s the ache of watching other people’s traditions, their full tables, their laughter, and their togetherness. You want to be happy for them, you really do, but there’s a deep seeded shame that whispers that you were unwanted, forgotten, or left out for a reason. That lie burrows itself into the very places you’ve been trying to heal.
As if that grief isn’t enough, the holidays carry a whole other layer of fear and stress unique to survivors of ritual abuse and exploitation. Return-home programming can be triggered by dates, smells, songs, and even the shift in temperature. Family gatherings are not warm memories, they’re landmines. People who were supposed to protect you, but didn’t, are suddenly showing up in your mind because the world is telling you this is the time for family. It’s not just emotional or psychological, it’s spiritual. The holidays mark one of the biggest ritual seasons of the year. While cults and networks are deeply invested in their demonic plans, much of the Christian world is caught up in the hustle: cutting quiet time short, skipping intercession, missing prayer for days at a time, overwhelmed with financial stress, searching for the perfect gift, juggling schedules, and stumbling into exhaustion. Some manage to stay focused on celebrating Jesus’ birth, but the warfare prayers they normally pray often get forgotten.
The enemy is strategic. He capitalizes on the chaos, stress, disconnection, fatigue, distraction, and grief. There’s a shift happening in the spiritual realm. This is not a time of distraction for Satan’s kingdom. There is planning for the next year: new demonic assignments, and territorial rearrangements. Secret societies, Lodges, hospitals, elites, and all our fake leaders gather to leave no territory untouched by their demonic agenda. Remember, everything Yahweh does, Satan inverts and uses as a mockery to Him. There are probably more ritual parties happening than Christmas parties and I assure you they are celebrating their “savior” too. So much of the SRA world intensifies during this season… as the world sings, “It’s the most wonderful time of the year.”
For me, it’s one of the hardest times of the year.
And when grief hits, it doesn’t arrive at convenient times. It comes in waves. It cycles. It blindsides. It moves through the stages of grief, sometimes slowly, sometimes all at once. It makes it very difficult to stay grounded and in our body. If you are walking through the day numb and oblivious to things that you know you haven’t grieved, it’s a good sign that you outside your body. A lot of survivors stand outside of their bodies because it’s what they have done their whole life. They often don’t realize they are still doing it. If you are struggling to focus, feel, grieve etc. take the time to ground and ask Yeshua to help you step back into your body and stay there. It’s a good practice this time of year to ask Him several times a day just to be sure.
There’s the denial that pretends nothing is wrong so you can make it through a holiday grocery run without breaking down. The anger that rises without warning when someone posts a perfect family photo. The bargaining where you tell yourself “Maybe next year will be different,” even though your system is bracing for the familiar ache. The depression that settles in when the world quiets down at night and all you feel is the weight of what you didn’t have, what you lost, or what was stolen. And then the acceptance, not of the abuse, not of the lies, but of the reality that this season is just hard, and it’s okay to acknowledge that.
Giving yourself permission to feel grief during the holidays is so important. We can’t heal what we are not willing to acknowledge and feel. Ask Yeshua to be with you, to help you connect with the feelings bubbling under the surface so that you can integrate that memory. Ask Him to help you safely remember and connect with the part of you that is grieving so that both of you can be comforted.
Feelings don’t disappear because you try to hold them in, they usually intensify. They demand space. They need expression, especially the ones you were punished for having. And giving yourself permission means giving your parts permission, too. Feelings tend to come in waves. You can feel anything for 90 seconds. That’s the time it takes for a wave of emotion to process and move out of your body. Ask Yeshua to help you feel it but not let you get stuck in the loop of dwelling on the memory. Ask Him to heal it and give you a new understanding of what it means to walk into healing and not have to be caught in the trap of looping memories and sleepless nights every holiday season. When we get stuck in the waves of pain for long periods of time, it’s because we (or our parts) are staying focused on the trauma memories. Shift your focus to Yeshua and how much He loves you and loves your parts. Invite your parts to worship with you. Focus on the healing instead of the memory. Holy Spirit is our comforter, and when we process a memory, invite the part that split off back into our body, and kick out the demonic, Holy Spirit can come into that space and be the ultimate comforter. Go into worship to shift your atmosphere and ground in the goodness of being in this present moment with Him.
You can let yourself cry with Yeshua instead of stuffing it down because “everyone else is happy.” You can sit with Him and say, “This hurts, and I need You to stay close.” You can let your parts tell Him what they’re grieving whether it’s the loss of childhood, the longing for safety, the ache of belonging, or the emptiness of never having experienced holiday joy.
You can allow yourself to journal honestly instead of forcing yourself to be strong. You can whisper, “Yeshua, be here with me,” and let Him be the comfort you never had. You can take a walk, talk to Him out loud, or curl up under a blanket and simply breathe in His presence. You can let anger rise and hand it to Him instead of feeling guilty for having it. You can acknowledge disappointment, loneliness, or fear without trying to fix it in the moment. My favorite thing to do is to curl up with my favorite blanket fresh out of the dryer, a hot cup of tea and my Bible. It started out as a way to survive, but it’s turned into a tradition I love.
This is what permission looks like:
“I feel lonely today, Yeshua. Will You sit with me in it?”
“I feel triggered. Can You help my parts feel safe right now?”
“I’m grieving what I didn’t have, and I need You to hear me.”
“I miss the version of life I never got to experience.”
“I feel ashamed for not being ‘okay,’ and I need You to remind me of the truth.”
Scripture tells us, “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18) He does not disappear during holiday grief. He doesn’t roll His eyes or tell you to “cheer up.” He draws near. He comes close. He sits with you in the places the world rushes past. The world celebrates the season; Yeshua sees your broken heart and celebrates your desire to heal.
Grief isn’t something you muscle through. It’s something you move with. And when you let yourself feel it with Him, you give your system permission to release what it has been holding. You create internal safety where shame told you didn’t deserve any. It’s okay to let the anguish and loneliness be expressed. It’s okay to admit that it sucks and you hate it. That’s the first thing I was able to admit when I started feeling emotions. The cult tells us we will be alone forever unless we go back to them, but that is not true. Healing opens so many doors for community and healthy friendships. Walk through the pain of grieving when you need to grieve, because on the other side, He will bring you into a new spacious place far better than what your nervous system allows you to see in the middle of the pain.
The holidays can become places where Yeshua meets you in very meaningful ways. Not with forced joy or fake smiles, but with the kind of comfort that heals the hidden places of your heart.
You’re not alone in the grief, even if you feel invisible in the crowd. Yeshua sees you. He hears you. He is with you in the overwhelm, in the loneliness, and in every trigger the season brings. And as you let Him walk with you through the stages of grief, you may find that what the enemy meant to use as a weapon becomes a doorway to deeper healing, deeper connection, and deeper freedom.
I remember the first Christmas I spent after cutting ties with my family so that I could heal. It was an ache unlike anything I had ever felt because it didn’t just hurt, it hurt, and it was my doing. It was a deep ache wrapped in the deepest guilt I had ever carried. The people in the cult you’re leaving behind are your people. You’re trauma bonded to them. You’ve walked through things with them no one else could ever understand. They are all you’ve known, and in many ways, they often know you better than you know yourself. Walking away doesn’t feel clean or heroic. It feels impossibly heavy. It was very, very difficult not to go back, and I would be lying if I said it’s always easy today. The guilt is always there sneaking into those moments of isolation, but the wisdom, clarity, peace, and understanding of why it’s so important and so worth it grows stronger every year. As you heal, Yahweh brings new friendships and support people that are safe, but we have to let go of the unhealthy ones to make room for the new.
For me, I had several years to move through that grieving process, and I chose to sit with the grief, embrace the challenges and heal. Then I learned that when you get core parts of yourself back, parts that have been out of the body, stuck in trauma time in the astral realm, sometimes that grieving process starts all over again. Suddenly you have their memories, and now both of you need to grieve them. Thankfully, it looks different the second time around, a little easier in some ways, because you get to keep the lessons you learned the first time. Now you know how to navigate it. You know it gets better. You know Yeshua will be with you through it all. I can’t tell you that it gets easier, but it gets different and it gets better. Today, I cherish those moments where He meets me there in the middle of it. Nobody can love you or help you as much as Yeshua can.