I had vision a few days ago of a weathered home with the doorway still open behind them as several disciples stepped back into the dirt road. The air felt heavy, and I knew it was because the message they carried had not been welcomed. They had come in obedience, ready to speak what the Lord had sent them to say, but the hearts inside that house were closed. No one wanted the warning. No one was interested in being corrected. They missed the invitation to get out of their own way and heed the warning the Lord was sending. So, the disciples did not argue, beg, or try to force the word into a place that refused to receive it. They walked away quietly, with the weight of obedience still on them, and as they reached the road, they stopped and knocked the dust from their feet. There was a sorrow over the choice to reject the Lord’s warning as if they were feeling God’s heart for the situation, but knocking the dust from their feet was not done in anger. It felt more like a holy release. They were leaving behind the rejection, the resistance, and the responsibility for what that household chose not to hear. Then they turned toward the next place God was sending them, still carrying the message, but no longer carrying the dust of the place that refused it.

Jesus said to them, “A prophet is not without honor (respect) except in his hometown and among his relatives and in his own household.” Mark 6:4

There are places where the anointing flows because people are open to hearing what God is saying whether it is a warning, a correction, or a miracle He is about to release. Then there are places so familiar with you, so wounded by what they think they know about you, that they cannot receive the word you are carrying. As I pondered this and prayed into why the Lord gave me this vision, I realized that this happens inside survivor systems too.

As the host, I have a responsibility to minister to my own system. That means listening, praying, protecting, repenting where I need to repent, and continually pointing us back to Jesus. It does not mean every part of me wants to hear from me. Some of them do not trust me because they have watched every mistake that I made that put us in danger. Some have seen every attempt at healing that they were programmed to believe was dangerous. They watched me keep living while they stayed hidden behind amnesic walls, waiting to be rescued from places I did not even remember existed. It can be a harsh reality to come to terms with when you realize that you weren’t just abandoned by those who hurt you, but you also abandoned yourself.

It hurts when my parts will listen to someone else before they will listen to me. There is grief in knowing I have matured and gained understanding and experience that I didn’t have to draw strength from before. It took me a long time to get to a place where I genuinely love my parts. Yet, I am still not being received by the ones I am trying to protect. I can see things they cannot see yet, but they are not processing information from the place I am standing. They are processing it through the fear of a traumatized child.

All they can see is more loss. More harm. More punishment. More abandonment. More pain. It is my personal opinion that deep mother and father wounds are at the core of all SRA. But they lived those wounds in real time and have been stuck in them ever since. I know that trust cannot be demanded from a place inside of me that has every reason to question whether I am safe.

That is one of the painful parts of being the host. I can carry responsibility for the system and still not be received by the system. I can love them and still not be trusted by them. I can work so hard to finally find the answers I’ve been desperately looking for, but that does not mean the parts who need them are ready to hear them. For me, this is where the grief comes in. There is a part of me that wants to say, “I am here now. I know now. I am trying now.” But for some parts of me, that does not make up for the years they waited. It does not erase the fear, the programming, or the belief that healing will cost them everything.

I am beginning to see how many double binds were woven into the healing journey. If we stay hidden, we stay captive. If we come forward, healing feels dangerous. They know from experience that sharing the whole truth almost always means someone is going to leave. When I lead, parts remember every reason not to trust me. When someone else leads, it can feel like another loss or abandonment waiting to happen. Healing means touching the pain and knowing there could be a high price to pay. Avoiding the pain keeps us stuck in what was done to us and tied to the cult. Early in healing the double binds are so hard to face. In the middle of healing, you move towards knowing that you know that you know that walking in your destiny with Jesus is worth it. But it doesn’t stop those moments of doubt. We just learn that it’s a choice we get to make. We absolutely cannot go on feelings.

Scripture tells us the enemy’s plan is to wear out the saints of God. It’s a big part of why so many survivors get tired of being tired. It’s the reason the words cut so deep when someone asks if I want to get well or if I really want my healing. Nobody gives up everything familiar to start over with nothing unless they really want healing. I cringe every time I hear someone ask that question. We get tired because every step seems to open another door, another layer, another grief, another place where the enemy tried to make sure we would eventually give up. That is very different from not wanting our healing. We only have the capacity our nervous system gives us until some healing increases that capacity. What I personally think increases it more than anything else is remembering that Obedience to God is better than sacrifice. He wants relationship with us and that is the only thing that will carry us through.

The whole thing was designed by the cult to make freedom feel impossible. They know that when enough survivors get free that it’s game over for them. When survivors can fight from a place of victory in Christ, the cult’s man-made kingdoms will come crashing down.

But I am still here on the wall because God did not show me the wall so I could abandon it. Part of healing is learning how to stand there without becoming hard. We must share the truth in love even when the ones who need it most are not ready to believe me yet. It’s challenging trying to protect your system from too much too fast while also letting in as much truth as is safely possible. We learn over time to become trauma-informed for ourselves as we set boundaries and start allowing it to be okay that we sometimes need a break, sometimes need to slow down, or even sometimes need to be pushed a little harder because fear is getting in our way. It’s so important to let Holy Spirit lead us so that we do not get ahead of God and we do not lag behind but walk in sync with Him. It will regulate our nervous system to Him as we become more in attunement with what He wants us to do each day. His timing is perfect and He is not going to leave us behind or let it be too late if we are seeking Him.

I cannot go back and change things for my parts from the years I did not know they were there, but I can show up for them every day now. I can listen to them and show them the love of Jesus. Every time my system flips, we start this process again until we can bring them all up to speed on the healing some of us received while they were gone. We stay on the wall. We watch with Holy Spirit guidance, and we fight for the parts that still think freedom is a trap. We stand firm because we need them to know that they were worth rescuing then and they are worth fighting for now.

Therefore, put on the complete armor of God, so that you will be able to [successfully] resist and stand your ground in the evil day [of danger], and having done everything [that the crisis demands], to stand firm [in your place, fully prepared, immovable, victorious]. Ephesians 6:13