It can get incredibly scary when you have back parts that are cult loyal and, as the front presenter part, you desperately want to have a relationship with Jesus but can’t connect. There are seasons when His silence seems to engulf the loneliness you can already barely tolerate, and fear pushes its way into every question you ask. Those are the seasons I can’t forget.

The Bible tells us to remember what the Lord has done, and those are the times I tend to remember best. The waves of emotional torment can still haunt me if I sit still and ponder what He brought me through during those seasons. But I have found that the Lord will sometimes use a cult-loyal person to give me a message or teach me a lesson that turns out to bless my future in profound ways.

Some people do not choose to come out of the cult. They knowingly carry out their assignment, remain cult loyal, and refuse to do the work to get free. That was the case in this particular story.

I was sitting in a room with two other survivors. One of them I believe was a Mother of Darkness on assignment to take me out. Literally. She put a huge target on my back and did everything she could to make my life miserable. At one point, I ended up in the hospital severely sick because she changed out my medication without me knowing, and my organs were beginning to shut down. I ended up being reprogrammed while I was there. She would tell you to your face that HaSatan was her father.

The other survivor was a friend who was new to healing, not very co-conscious, and still trying to figure out why her life was so out of control. She was desperate for help, but she was also the roommate of this cult-loyal survivor who had not chosen freedom. She was living in a situation where she was trapped, manipulated, and handled. She was being fed a lot of lies that sounded really good while being treated horribly behind closed doors. Her nervous system couldn’t regulate, and her system stayed triggered almost constantly.

I was more fortunate because I could see what was happening long before anyone believed me. I also had my own place to live, so I wasn’t trapped in an unsafe home. However, my life was far from untouched by the nightmare this survivor created for everyone she came into contact with.

I had to tread very carefully because if I said or did anything, she would take it out on my friend later.

By this point, I already had spiritual roots and understood my identity in Christ. That was the only thing that got me through that season.

Eventually, I prayed, “I’m done. I know You called me to move here, but I just want to go back home. I can’t do this anymore. Please let this cup pass from me, but not my will but Yours be done.” He did not open the door for me to move back home. Instead, He told me to be still because she would soon be moving to another state. Thank goodness that came to pass.

But I learned a lot of hard lessons while she was in my life. Sometimes, the Lord allows things to happen, He allows Satan to sift us because He knows we will grow and learn in ways that would not otherwise be possible. But He sets the limits on how far they can go, and they cannot cross the line He draws.

So, I’m sitting in this room with them when the woman switched, and an alter named Sarge came forward.

Sarge immediately tried to command the room, telling everyone they could not make a sound. He turned the lights off and said he was listening for the cult that was coming to get my friend and that he could tell they were nearby. He kept staring at me, then at her, then back at me.

I really didn’t like this person, but again, I knew that any move I made would either please them or would be taken out on my friend later. So, I didn’t say a word out loud.

Sarge claimed to be able to read minds, so I simply started thinking, it is written, while quoting different Scriptures in my head. I held eye contact with him with the posture of someone who knew exactly what he was trying to do.

Sarge became furious. I could feel the daggers he was trying to send at me, but I knew my God was bigger. Quite honestly, I was over it by then, and I wasn’t in the mood to back down that day.

Finally, Sarge looked directly at me and said, “You’re marked. You’ve already chosen, so I can’t touch you.”

Then he turned to my friend and said, “You’re free game. You haven’t chosen yet.”

He proceeded to ask why she wasn’t using her giftings, why she was wasting her training, why she didn’t just embrace her dark side, and on and on it went. Smooth as butter, Sarge was doing everything He could to get her to come willingly serve HaSatan with him.

I share that because I was still very unhealed at the time and I know a lot of survivors worry that they are not saved.

I loved the Lord, and I had already been through seasons of deep intimacy with Him where I spent four to six hours every day worshiping and reading my Bible. I had experienced a tremendous amount of healing. I had done the work of moving from being afraid to call God my Father to not being able to wait to get home so I could spend time with my Abba.

I was beginning to understand sonship. While I couldn’t always feel it yet, I had a deep knowing that it was true because I stayed saturated in His Word and talked with Him throughout my day.

However, I did not yet understand the depths of SRA and mind control. I didn’t know I had back parts. I didn’t know about programming or any of those things. I was still very new to this world. Yet Sarge said he couldn’t touch me because I had been marked. He saw the seal of the Holy Spirit on my forehead and knew that I had chosen Jesus as my Savior and was not going to bow to HaSatan.

I had already conquered the lion and the bear many times, and now I sat before the biggest giant I had faced to date. Yet, He could not touch me.

He chose not to even try that day because he could not stand against the Word of God that I was quoting in my head. When you tell a demon, “It is written,” they have to bow. They cannot stand against the name of Jesus. They may come back and try again and again, but they can only go so far and no farther.

I want to encourage you, especially if you are a survivor who is still seeking that relationship with Jesus but can’t feel His love yet.

Keep seeking Him.

You may have parts trying to block that relationship because they are scared. You may have programming telling you it isn’t safe and demons coming against you that need to be dealt with.

But Jesus is faithful. He will get you there if you don’t give up and He is so worth it. Don’t let the enemy convince you that you are not saved because you have cult-loyal parts. Don’t let him rob you of the sanctification process that both multiples and singletons walk through.

He loves you and He is fighting for you.

You can rest in knowing that even if you are the only part in your whole system that has chosen Him, you still chose Him.

That is enough for Him to say, “All hands on deck” and employ an army of angels to fight on your behalf. We can rest assured that He is fighting for our freedom because the Word says that He will never leave us or forsake us. He is our protector and our friend.

It is written that whom the Son sets free is free indeed. So, keep walking it out with Him. Keep being His hands and feet to your own system and showing them that His love is safe. In doing so, you’re also making new neuro pathways that is confirming to you as the host that He truly is indeed safe. Over time, your nervous system will start to regulate to that new truth.

We tend to have a need to rush our healing. I’ve been in this tiring fight for a long time, but He is longsuffering, not willing that any (parts) should perish, and we can know that He won’t stop until He has ministered to every single part of us.

He has a good plan and a good future for you, and I love that He is not passively waiting for you to walk this out. He is advocating for you, interceding at the right hand of the Father for you and going before you to make your path straight.

He is everything you need.

And one day you will feel His love in every part of your being. When that day comes, nothing else will matter. Just keep pressing into Him and keep walking out your healing.