When I first started healing, I could not even think about my dad. It brought so much pain and loss to the surface. I don’t know what I wanted or expected when I first listened to the video at the end of this post, but it certainly wasn’t the emotional reaction I had. Nonetheless, it’s a video that I return to now when I am feeling lonely or disconnected from those around me.

For years, I called Yahweh Lord, I knew He was the true God, the King of kings, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, the only “I Am that I Am.” However, I never called Him Father. I wasn’t looking for someone else to abandon me.

I agree with the belief that your dad sets the standard for what you come to expect from Father God. Yahweh is in no way anything like the sperm donor who contributed to my DNA, but it took me a really long time of getting to know Him as God in general before I was willing to consider what it would be like to know Him as a Father. And I trudged that hill with gritted teeth and a weighted backpack full of the lies I’ve lived with my whole life. I had no framework for what a loving Father is or does for his children. There was no provision or safety connected to that concept for me. The pain, abandonment, shame, was layered in year after year, especially around my birthday when once again he didn’t show up to rescue me from all the traumas created a great divide between me and the illusion of love I saw in the world around me.

As a little girl, I convinced myself that if my dad knew, he would come riding in on his white horse and whisk me away to a fairytale life of cupcakes and butterflies. I prayed endlessly that God would help him find me so I could escape. I believed rescue was coming because I had to. It was the only hope I had left in me.

But he never came.

A child doesn’t have the capacity to reconcile why a loving God doesn’t send the cavalry when they are being abused. So, I did what children do when reality is unbearable. I made it make sense. I made excuses. I created explanations. I got creative, because I couldn’t afford to lose the hope that one day I might be lovable or even delighted in.

For years, the word father felt dangerous, but it was still better than saying “daddy”. That term was reserved for someone special. I spent over 40 years waiting to call someone daddy with all the implications in tack and fitting perfectly into the missing puzzle pieces of my life. When you have parts, that need never softens or gets easier. It’s always there right under the surface with all the littles desperately wanting to be loved, needing to feel special because that is how we are created.

We were made for relationship, for connection, and with purpose. When the occult strips all of that away from you, what they don’t and can’t strip is the need for it. They can remove safety, identity, memory, attachment, and trust, but they cannot erase who Yahweh created us to be. That longing may hide. It may get buried under blank slates, lies, and programming, but it will always surface again and again until it’s addressed.

The desperation for a loving father is dangerously strong. Not because the need is wrong, but because the hunger is so intense and can come up at the most inconvenient times. It often causes survivors to look to men who are not safe to meet that need. When you are suffocating, affection can feel like oxygen, and you will do whatever it takes to take just one more breath.

For the Protector Parts

If you are a protector part reading this, your job is not to silence the longing. The littles are not wrong for wanting a daddy. They are not dangerous, needy, or embarrassing. They are responding exactly as they were created to respond. The danger comes when that need is exposed to people who cannot meet it safely.

While affection can feel like oxygen to a suffocating system, that doesn’t mean the air source is safe. Not every man who offers attention, spiritual covering, mentorship, or tenderness has the capacity or the right to meet this need. And not every feeling of relief is evidence of love.

Protection means slowing down, using discernment, and choosing safety over relief. Yahweh is our only true protection and safety. Sometimes, He does send someone safe to fill that role in the natural, but more often than not, He doesn’t. He wants to be that Father to the fatherless who provides our every need. The Father whose love is not conditional and paid for with an exchange of our very soul.

“My soul waits in silence for God alone, for my hope is from Him.” Psalm 62:5

Your job is to notice when attachment starts to spike out of desperation or when hope attaches too quickly. These are red flags that let us know that we are looking to people to save us. It’s a signal that a younger part is reaching for connection. This is when you need to discern what is happening both inside and outside the system. Often when we attach too quickly, it’s because the occult has sent someone and taught them ahead of time what we need to hear, how to treat us, and how to show up as the savior we desperately need.

Instead of outsourcing that need, check inside with the system first. Sit with your littles and help them understand what is happening. Let them know that they are seen and valued without placing them in someone else’s hands. This is where re-parenting happens and it’s such an important part of healing.

“A bruised reed He will not break, and a smoldering wick He will not snuff out.” Isaiah 42:3

“He tends His flock like a shepherd… He gently leads those that have young.” Isaiah 40:11

You are not being mean or depriving the littles by saying no to protect them. You are showing them that you care enough to keep them safe. They need consistency and truth, but they need it from you, from the Word of God, and from their relationship with Yeshua, not from men that Yahweh didn’t send. You must be aware that this is an easy way for the cult to pull you back in and you will never see it coming if you are not seeking Yahweh about every relationship opportunity. Remember that the cult is very good at making you believe that the people in your life are there because you chose them, but this is almost never true in the beginning of your healing journey.

The littles need to know that this time can be different. Yahweh will not abandon them or cost them their well-being. They learn by your example. Build trust with them. Ask them to watch through your eyes as you spend time with Yahweh, inviting Him to show you what it means for Him to be your heavenly Father. Take the time to work through the unforgiveness and anger you or your parts may have toward Him. Try to become curious about what it might look like to allow Him to love all the parts of you the way the video of His love letter describes. It truly is life changing in a beautiful way. This video can be triggering, but it speaks so much truth about Yahweh’s love for us.